When your partner isn’t in therapy, and now you need therapy
Do you have a husband or a partner that you think really needs to go to therapy to work on some stuff, but they just won’t?
Maybe you’ve noticed it but aren’t sure how to bring it up. Or maybe you’ve mentioned it and they brushed it off. Or maybe you’ve even done the work to find them a therapist and they still haven’t made the call. Or maybe they’ve suggested you see a therapist and you immediately think “uhh, have you looked in the mirror?!”
It’s so aggravating.
You spend so much time worrying about your partner because you care for them so deeply. You find yourself spending hours overthinking ways to help them, researching on the internet anything that might help. You’re doing it right now by reading this!
It can bring up so many feelings for you, which can start to feel pretty overwhelming!
When your husband needs therapy and hasn’t started yet, you might feel:
You worry about what might be causing all of this, how he’s managing the weight of everything going on, what he’ll think of therapist if/when he starts, and what will happen if he never actually goes to talk to anyone. The anxiety is real! You care for him so much, that all the worry makes you wish you could just snap your fingers and make everything sunshine and rainbows for him every day. But because you can’t, the pit of worry swirls in your gut all the time.
If you have tried to talk with your partner about therapy and they won’t go or just haven’t followed through, the anger and irritation can come on quick. You notice their reaction to something in the moment and immediately feel the frustration start to bubble up in your gut. Your brain might even be screaming on the inside “THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I TOLD YOU TO GO SEE A THERAPIST! IF YOU WOULD HAVE LISTENED TO ME, THIS WOULDN’T BE HAPPENING!”
If you’re like many of my clients, you try to keep this emotion on the inside, all while gritting your teeth and trying to ask in your calmest voice, “is there anything I can do to help you right now?” But that frustration is brewing, and the longer the time goes on that he’s not in therapy and those moments keep happening, the strong it gets!
You’ve tried to help in all the ways a partner can. You’ve suggested going for walks or spending time outside in the sun (yay for that vitamin D!). You’ve tried to get him to open up with his best friend or brother. You’ve even considered getting a gym membership together so if you go, maybe he’ll go and burn some of that emotional energy off (even though you don’t actually want to go). But nothings working. And you’re getting tired of your suggestions being shut down left and right.
He’s stuck in this heavy place, and you’re starting to feel stuck too. You’re feeling the emotional weight of it all, and it’s exhausting. You can feel your energy dwindling, and you’re starting to feel like you’re both just going through the motions as days turn into weeks that turn into months. You don’t want to feel this way, but you don’t know what else to do, or where the energy is supposed to come from.
You might even feel like some of your goals and dreams are having to be set to the side. Maybe you want to travel, or get around to those home renovation projects, or start a new business, or take steps to grow your family. When it feels like someone else’s mental health is getting in the way of things that are important to you, it can leave you feeling so stuck, and sometimes even unsure and hopeless of those things ever becoming a reality.
How therapy for you can help when your partner isn’t ready yet
Therapy helps many people in many ways, but can be a great resource for you when all of these emotions are building up. After all, we need to process and heal/resolve those emotions; they rarely just go away on their own if the source of them is still there. Some of things therapy can help with include:
Learning to recognize what emotions are coming up and why, how they’re showing up in your mind and body, and things you can do to change the emotions if/when you want to or need to. Holistic therapy can give you tools for your mind, body, and soul to give you more variety in how you choose to regulate the emotions that come up.
Learning how to communicate and express yourself in a way that better balances your relationship goals with self-respect goals. So many of my clients are really really good at prioritizing relationship goals: how the other person feels, what they want, what will help the relationship grow or continue. And they routinely put self-respect goals on the back-burner, if they even take the time to notice and acknowledge them. Over time this can turn that frustration into resentment, which can be get really tricky to navigate and manage on your own.
Learning how to build in quality self-care practices into your days and weeks so that you can recharge your emotional energy. While this doesn’t directly change things with your partner, it helps you to feel more grounded in the moment, which can also help you to feel more patient with the process.
Recognizing your values and exploring opportunities to build them more into your life can help you to feel less stuck. Even when you have moments where the relationship is feeling stuck, tuning into your values and getting involved in them can help you to feel a sense of forward movement with your life.
If you’ve been in therapy before and done the healing work, it can be especially frustrating when your partner isn’t there yet. Coming back to therapy can help you learn ways to regulate these new feelings more effectively, so you can continue showing up as the partner you want to be with him. In this case, therapy might not be as often or as long as it was for you before. Think of it more like fine-tuning your existing skill set!
Of course we also can’t forget that you being in therapy is helpful to others. Even if your partner isn’t ready yet, shifts on your end have the potential to start creating shifts in the relationship and with other people.
How you can get started with online therapy today
If you’re feeling those worried, frustrated, defeated, or stuck feelings because your husband isn’t in therapy (yet!), online therapy with Kimberleigh can help you! She helps women who get stuck in overthinking (and overworrying) break free from those thought spirals and get unstuck. She can help you find ways to give the love and care to your partner that you want to, without feeling like you’re bogged down with him.
Based in North Carolina, Kimberleigh can serve Charlotte, Matthews, Huntersville, or the entire state with online therapy in North Carolina. As a former Illinois resident, she also provides online therapy in Chicago and throughout Illinois.
To begin therapy for overthinking today with Mindfully Balanced Therapy:
Fill out a contact form on our website or schedule a consult call with Kimberleigh.
Meet with Kimberleigh to share your goals and learn about how therapy with Mindfully Balanced Therapy works.
Get back in the driver’s seat of your life and feel like you can care for others without carrying all their burdens yourself!
