Signs you may be functioning but not fine
If it felt like the title alone was a call out, this one is for you!
If you’re an eldest daughter and have ever felt like the term “Eldest Daughter Syndrome” described you and you’ve wanted to learn how to overcome that eldest daughter syndrome, this is also for you!
When you’re functioning, you’re able to manage your responsibilities at home, work, and in relationships. You’re able to get work projects done, show up to social events, respond to (most) messages, keep up with your laundry, and pay your bills. But just because you’re able to do all those things doesn’t mean you feel “fine” doing it.
Too often women think that as long as their functioning, they’re fine. They’re just like everyone else. But how it looks on the outside is not how they feel on the inside. Behind the smiling nod and “it’s fine, I’m fine” responses to others, they’re feeling overwhelmed, drained, scattered. Mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. Not fine.
Functioning and fine are not the same.
Functioning is what we do, fine is one of many ways we can feel while we’re doing it.
So what are some signs that you may be functioning, but not fine?
You make decisions all day, every day. What to eat, what to where, when to leave, what to reply back to the last text. But sometimes you find yourself second guessing. Replaying conversations and interactions in your head, questioning if you said the right thing or if you should have done something different. You get the perfect holiday gift for your friend, and then start questioning every detail the moment the shipping confirmation email arrives. Should I have gotten the other color? What if it doesn’t fit? Will she even like this?!
On the outside, you’ve functioned in responding to the conversation and getting the gift. On the inside, your brain is spiraling with questions and worries that you might have done something wrong.
How can therapy help? Learning how to catch these thought spirals and trust yourself can reduce the second guessing in times it’s unhelpful.
While second guessing yourself usually happens after decisions are made, crowd sourcing decisions usually happens before. It’s when you ask multiple people for their opinions, and feel heavily swayed by the popular opinion. The tricky part is, the more people you ask, the wider range of opinions you’ll get. This is crowd sourcing sign is especially likely for people who struggle with decision fatigue or choice paralysis.
It keeps the spotlight on what everyone else thinks, rather than helping you to build confidence in your own decisions and opinions.
How can therapy help? Learning how to tune into your own opinions, beliefs, and preferences, and then follow-through in honoring those in your decision making with confidence.
This comes in many shapes and sizes. Physical exhaustion can look like feeling sleepy, needing more naps, or your body telling you it needs a break because of aches and pains. Mental exhaustion can look like brain fog, scatterbrain, forgetting, or having a hard time keeping track of things. Emotional exhaustion can look like shortened patience, urges to avoid, and having a harder time filtering yourself in conversations (saying things you’re likely to regret later).
When you’re exhausted in one or more of these ways, you may be able to check off all of your to-do boxes, but you are likely not able to give them your best effort and attention. Tasks may end up taking longer to do, or may have to be redone.
How can therapy help? Learning what recharging looks like for you so you can restore the different types of energy as you go.
If you’re a people-pleaser, this is especially a high-risk one. It’s so easy to say “YES!” to something when someone asks. And it can feel so uncomfortable to say no. The problem is that when you say yes to things you don’t want to do or know you don’t have the capacity for, it can lead to regret, guilt, and even sometimes resentment with the other person. Over time, this can lead to tension and conflict in relationships.
How can therapy help? Learning how to check-in on your capacity and wants/needs first, and how to say no when it’s not a good fit or good time for you.
Does it feel like your brain is always running through lists and double checking things? You’re getting ready in the morning, thinking through all your to-do’s for the day. You’re watching a movie with your family and making a mental list of things you need to grab from the store tomorrow. You’re eating dinner and while your partner is telling you about their day, you’re nodding along while also thinking “shoot, did the mortgage auto-draft yet? I should double check that later.” You’re laying in bed trying to fall asleep and your brain is either making the to-do list for tomorrow or replaying conversations from earlier in the day. Sometimes this can even lead to difficulty falling asleep, and getting the rest your body and brain need.
No matter what you’re doing, it feels like your brain is always somewhere else. Thinking through, planning, organizing, coordinating the next thing. While it feels helpful sometimes, it also pulls your attention out of what’s actually happening in the moment. We can’t “stop and smell the roses” if our brain is busy making a grocery list to pick up on our way home later.
How can therapy help? Learning mindfulness skills to intentionally bring our awareness and attention to what’s happening in the moment, and recognize when our brain is circling on things in unhelpful ways.
This is a feeling so many of my therapy clients describe when they first get started. Feeling busy and productive feels good to them and feels like what they “should” be doing. Not to mention that other people usually benefit from their productivity, leading to positive feedback and appreciation (which as humans, we then want more of!). So then relaxing or resting makes them feel uncomfortable or guilty even, with thoughts running through their mind of “I should really be doing XYZ.”
The truth though is that rest and relaxation ARE productive! It’s necessary time for your body, mind, heart, and soul to recharge. It’s important to find ways to take care of yourself physically and emotionally, even in stressful times. Without it, you’ll feel exhausted (see above) and not have the energy to keep up with everything.
How can therapy help? Learning how to practice self-compassion and reduce unnecessary feelings of guilt and unease.
If you mentally said “yep, that’s me!” to any of those signs, it may be helpful to consider therapy to help you shift into a space of feeling more truly and authentically fine.
Therapy for when you’re functioning but not fine
Kimberleigh can help you explore what unhelpful patterns, thoughts, or behaviors are keeping you stuck in this place, and help you create lasting change to break free from them.
To begin anxiety therapy with Mindfully Balanced Therapy:
Schedule a consult call with Kimberleigh or fill out a contact form on our website.
Meet with Kimberleigh to talk about how you’re functioning but not feeling fine, and learn about how Mindfully Balanced Therapy can help you overcome these patterns.
Feel more like how you are on the outside is truly how you feel on the inside too!
